Vermin Tales, Part 1: Woodchucks

Animals are adorable. That is a fact without dispute. When they infringe upon your livelihood, they become adorable little assholes who must be vanquished.

Living on a wooded lot means observing wildlife and really feeling at one with nature. Eric and I awaken to a gorgeous view of the woods every morning.  Binoculars ready, we observe our deer friends grazing or turkey pals roosting in the trees. Our lives are blessed. We are in the city, yet we are in the country. We truly have it all. Sighing deeply, we take in the new day with all its promise, and

“WHAT IS THAT?!”

I spotted a creature larger than a squirrel, but smaller than a breadbox. Could it be? I snapped a sneaky paparazzi photo which I immediately texted to my naturalist friend.  She confirmed that it was, in fact, a woodchuck.

ASSHOLE!

The clever bastards were burrowing under our loading dock. A bomb-proof bunker to them was now a structurally undermined cement slab for us. We had no choice but to evict them. Like any fine, country-raised stock, we were already equipped with a live trap. Each day a new piece of kale bait, each day a new woodchuck. I identified with the vermin, for I, too, would would risk it all for a wilted piece of kale.

In total, we trapped 3 teenaged woodchucks and 1 angry mother. We packed them in a crate and shipped them to Antarctica, just like in the cartoons.*

This is the part where I tell you I’m a vegetarian and wish no harm upon other creatures, but I become a pissed off old grandpa when vermin take what’s mine. Then I’m a sensitive and conflicted again and it’s all so very cruel, but what else can I do? Then I see a squirrel on the bird feeder and go ballistic again. The cycle is draining.

Fun facts:

1. Yes, woodchucks and groundhogs are the same animal. Other names include: weenusk, groundpig, red monk, Canada marmot, and, my personal favorite, whistlepig.
2. Woodchucks often burrow around/under structures, all part of their maniacal plan to undermine human civilization as we know it.
3. Your local hardware store sells woodchuck deterrents (coyote pee sprinkles), but don’t ask an employee if they work.  She will tell you they’re pointless; you should just stick the critters in a barrel of water and hit them in the head with a shovel. And then she will laugh until your discomfort is palpable and you flee into the parking lot to call your husband for comfort while gently sobbing.
4. Pest control is heartbreaking for an animal lover.

Stay tuned for our next installment of Vermin Tales, where we help two young squirrels move out of our basement and get onto their feet!

*euphemism, you know, for the kids